From:    Maurizio MORABITO 
Subject: science humor

(forwarded message)

      These gaseous observations were made by junior high, high school and
      college students around the world.  It is truly astonishing what weird
      science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and
      grades.  From test papers and essays submitted to science and health
      teachers, here is a dissertation of loopy, unscientific English:

      "When you breathe, you inspire.  When you do not breathe, you expire."
      "H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
      "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test
       tube"
      "When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
      "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free
       state"
      "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.  Oxygin is pure
       gin.  Hydrogin is gin and water."
      "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
      "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
      "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then
       expectoration.
      "The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
      "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead
       of the bull.
      "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes
       them perspire
      "A super saturated solution is one that holds more then it can hold.
      "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
      "The body consists of three parts-the brainium, the borax and the
       abominable cavity.  The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains
       the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of
       which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u.
      "The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects.
      "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
      "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out
       and the outsides have been taken off.  The purpose of the skeleton is
       something to hitch meat to.
      "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids,
       two molars, and eight cuspidors.
      "The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon.  All water tends
       towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature
       abhors a vacuum.  I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
      "A fossil is an extinct animal.  The older it is, the more extinct it
       is.
      "Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects
       on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception.
      "How would you grade these daffy definitions?:
      "Equator:  A menagerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
      "Germinate:  To become a naturalized German.
      "Liter:  A nest of young puppies.
      "Magnet:  Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
      "Momentum:  What you give a person when they are going away
      "Planet:  A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
      "Rhubarb:  A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
      "Vacuum:  A large, empty space where the pope lives.

      To close todays lab report, I offer these nuggets of scientific
      wisdom.  Each one an unretouched classroom classic:
      "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is
       affirmative or negative.
      "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
      "For a nosebleed:  Put the nose much lower then the body until the
       heart stops.
      "For drowning:  Climb on top of the person and move up and down to
       make artificial perspiration.
      "For fainting:  Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm
       above the hand instead.  Or put the head between the knees of
       the nearest medical doctor.
      "For snakebites:  Bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for
       shock.
      "For dog bite:  put the dog away for several days.  If he has not
       recovered, then kill it.
      "For asphyxiation:  Apply artificial respiration until the patient is
       dead.
      "To prevent contraception:  wear a condominium.
      "For head cold:  use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in
       your throat.
      "To keep milk from turning sour:  Keep it in the cow